| Crying and sleeping |
[04 May 2005|09:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crying |
] |
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music |
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none |
] |
I hate being alive... I get nothing out of life. I sleep, work, and cry, nothing else. I want to sleep forever. Sleeping is when I'm happiest. I can be the girl of dreams when asleep. Being awake is the true nightmare.
My therapist says I need to change my outlook on things in order to stop depression... I'm thinking that she is worthless for helping me.
I see women walking down the street, in some movie, or in pictures online and it makes me realize that I'm kidding myself if I would ever think that I'm anything like them. I'm nothing but a worthless suicidal man.
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| Sleeping to avoid being awake |
[26 Feb 2005|10:21pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
On weekends, I've been sleeping to avoid being awake... Today I slept about 16 hours out of 24. I cried myself to sleep twice. I hate weekends.
I'm so fat and can't stop eating like a pig. I don't know what to do. I hate that big stomach hanging from me in the way.
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| Nobody cares anymore |
[12 Feb 2005|10:47pm] |
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mood |
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crying |
] |
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music |
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Please Kill Me.mp3 |
] |
Everyone is tired of me and my story that never ends and never changes... People don't care anymore. I feel alone and desperate and nobody is helping. My therapist isn't helping any, either. All I have is to keep myself busy working or playing World of Warcraft. If I'm not doing that, I feel like dying.
I'm going to go downstairs now and hold a knife to myself. I don't know if I'll do anything with it. Probably not, knowing me. If you see this (doubtful), please don't call the cops. I don't want to be sent to the hospital again, making me fail school, lose my job, and lose another $2000 in hospital copayments against my will.
Melissa
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| Months until hormones |
[29 Jan 2005|07:53am] |
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mood |
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 angry |
] |
My therapist yesterday told me that until my depression gets under control and until I accept the unchangeable parts of my body that she wouldn't let me on hormones. I feel rejected and angry, and sad of course. It'll probably be months before she considers them again. I've been waiting 15 months... I can't wait any longer.
I threatened to get them myself and she was unfazed. The Standards of Care and "risk reduction" have no meaning to her, I guess.
Melissa
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| Got denied hormones again |
[22 Jan 2005|02:35pm] |
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mood |
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crying |
] |
My therapist, despite promising hormones in January, said she doesn't want me on hormones because of my depression... so I cried on my way from therapy to school, a 2 hour drive. She thinks I need to work on my identity issues more. I'm now in exactly the same place as I was for a long time with my previous therapist. Nothing at all has changed. I've been in therapy for 15 months and I've only gotten worse. Yay for psychologists.
Work was going going well, school was manageable, and I was feeling better. Now this and I'm feeling suicidal again. At school I saw a tall building and couldn't help my think about jumping off it. I have an image in my head now what my suicide will be like. I don't want to be here anymore.
I wrote up a will that leaves my $15,000 in the bank to one of my TS friends so that she can have SRS when I kill myself.
I saw the movie "In Good Company" today and cried 3 times during it, when it reminded me that I have this male body.
Melissa
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| Bad habits |
[17 Jan 2005|10:00pm] |
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mood |
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 nerdy |
] |
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music |
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Metroid 3 - Brinstar |
] |
I have some really bad bad habits... I pick my nose still, at age 23, and it's very ungirly... It's so hard to stop. I also sometimes don't take a shower when I'm not going anywhere on a particular day, which is also bad.
On Saturday and Sunday I went to Tujunga (~10 miles north of Los Angeles) to hang out with a transgender friend and her wife... They took me to a clothing store for me to buy stuff. I was incredibly nervous trying things on... I hated how everything wouldn't fit, or would look horrible on me. I think I have a bad taste in clothes, too. They also took me to a makeup store ("Bare Escentuals") and had a clerk make me up, which was nice =^_^= I still looked like a guy but it was still much better.
My cat is on my lap, trying to sleep... Every time I sit in my computer chair she comes to me and asks to jump up. She's using the chair's armrest as a pillow. What does she see in being on top of me like this? =^_^=
I liked 24 on TV today, even though it's soooo implausible. Jack walks away from armed robbery charges with a simple phone call. The daughter of Secretary Keller breaks a lead pipe with her own power (at least she took her heels off first). And they find the terrorist compound so easily with satellite dishes.
Melissa
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| I'm so fat |
[10 Jan 2005|11:22pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
] |
I'm so fat... I'm like 100 pounds overweight. I weigh 260 and I'm 6'3". I feel like I have an 80 pound weight strapped to the front of me. I feel it constantly in the way and I hate that feeling.
I feel like I could never lose it. Unlike before, I'm now seriously depressed and lacking the willpower to lose the weight. I feel like it's not worth it, because it's *so easy* to gain the weight back. I will have to work hard for the rest of my life just to stay the same weight.
It's like I'm defective. If I'm not hungry, it means I ate too much. The only way I can even stay the same weight is to eat less than my hunger system wants me to. I'm extremely adversive to almost all foods - I could actually name all the foods I like since the list is very short. Exercise hurts, takes up time, is boring, makes me tired, and makes me feel yucky. So I'm adverse to that too.
In other news, my mom had a long talk with me when I was crying... She kept asking why I have to be a woman and not simply a man that's female on the inside. She doesn't understand why I have to transition.
Melissa
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| Am I a man or a woman? and more confusion |
[08 Jan 2005|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
I don't know anymore whether I'm a guy or girl... It's really confusing. I feel female but in many ways I'm not, such as how I act or the habits I have. It's not so much the stereotypes, either... My actions seem male a lot of the time. I even have guy-like bad habits which I won't get into... (Well, one of them is biting my nails when I tear them.) It's really weird because I cry and want to die a lot because I'm *not* female externally.
My therapist want to put me on a really low dose of hormones for 6 months, because of my severe depression... I want a full dose though. I feel like I can't wait any longer. All this while being confused which gender I am.
My work is okay, just boring... I have ideas of how to implement what they're asking for in the short term, but not the long term. Today I kinda felt like I *wanted* to go back to work to implement these ideas. Yet I feel like I don't like work. More confusion.
School is awful... Writing assignments every week. I feel really stressed out and it's only been 1 week of school. And writing assignments are hard.
I ate a lot for lunch today, a lot of junk... I wish I could control myself. I won't eat dinner, I guess...
My cat is lying next to me as I type this.
Melissa
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| Started my new job today |
[04 Jan 2005|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
] |
I started my new job today at that game company (I'd rather not say who on a web journal). They're okay, but the whole time I just want to cry. I don't want to be there at all. I got very dysphoric, but had to hide it. I cried the whole way home and then some. I can't imagine doing this 9 hours over and over and over 5 days a week for 40 years. If this is life, I'd rather be dead. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this at the same time as school.
Am I a man or a woman? I can't tell anymore... I swear that my whole thought process and everything is male yet somehow I feel female. Maybe I just confuse my attractio to others as what I desire in myself... I hope not, because that would mean I'm a really messed up person. Oh wait, I already know that...
I have 2 therapy appointments tomorrow, one with my psychiatrist and one with my therapist. If I told them how I held a knife to my throat twice last week, they'd lock me up again, so I'll have to lie about that little detail.
Last night, after posting, I got in a fight with my dad that I started... I told him randomly that I was still mad at him for taking away my hormones, because now I must start over completely... I compared myself to others who'd started at near the same time I did before and because extremely depressed. My dad said that he doesn't care that I hate him for it - he says it's my responsibility to hold a job and move out so I can accomplish it. He said that it was his right as the homeowner to prevent me from living in his house taking hormones. He also said that the fear about the new job and school was the real reason I'm depressed, which I don't believe. I don't want to hear his "making progress" speeches anymore...
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| Feeling better today |
[03 Jan 2005|03:55pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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none |
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I'm feeling better today, for some reason... I feel depressed but I don't cry or anything, and I actually painted my toenails this color last night. I'm more bored right now than anything *yawns*.
Will my back and chest hair disappear on hormones? It's really annoying...
I'm worried about my new job that starts tomorrow at a video game company. I kinda hope I get fired. I just can't imagine why people would want to keep on living when they have to hold a job for the rest of their life. I don't want to live life as a slave. But I have to. I hate this world.
*plays with her cat*
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| My new year's resolution |
[31 Dec 2004|05:10pm] |
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mood |
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waiting for death |
] |
My new year's resolution is that I die before 2006. I can't stand this world any longer, and I need to leave it. I can't go through another year of this hell. I don't know when or how, but the sooner the better.
I promised myself things would be better last January, and instead they are a lot worse. I can't stand being alive anymore. I wish I'd recently gone on vacation to Sri Lanka or Thailand - why did 100,000+ have to die when I don't?
I hate my voice. It's very low. I can't live with this voice I have. Voice training isn't enough. Most of you are kidding themselves. I have heard maybe one voice by training that does not sound like a man's. The rest sound like either a drag queen or a guy trying to be funny. I figure voice surgery is the only thing that could ever help with the severe damage testosterone has done to me. And lots of luck I'll have there when I can't work from being so severely depressed.
I hate my weight. I'm having 2 small meals a day with no snacks and I'm not losing weight like I did before. I figure my only choice is to stop eating altogether.
Melissa
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| Worthlessness of chat rooms |
[17 Nov 2004|06:07pm] |
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mood |
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wishing for death |
] |
I sat in a chat room talking about how I want to die and all I got was frustrated people telling me I have to fight... I can't fight, I don't have it in me. I just want to leave this world. These chat rooms are fucking worthless. One person finally got mad and asked me to leave, so I did.
I wish I had the courage to kill myself.
There were 2 messages on this journal today.
Melissa
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| Want to cry and can't |
[17 Nov 2004|05:10pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
I'm sitting wanting to cry but I can't... If I cry I won't get the hormones I need. I see my therapist tomorrow and I need to lie to her so I can get hormones.
Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of my first therapy session with my previous therapist... This has been the worst year of my life, and I've only gotten worse since starting therapy.
Here's to hoping something kills me soon...
Melissa
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| I'm afraid to cry |
[10 Nov 2004|05:06pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
I just got back from a mental hospital... On Monday, I told my psychiatrist how I felt the previous Thursday and she had me locked up. I acted as well as I could in the hospital to get an early release. I don't want to kill myself but I'm still horribly depressed.
I'm scared that if I cry or talk to anyone I'll just get sent back into the hospital. I'll have to lie or something to my therapist tomorrow. I'm feeling really alone right now.
Melissa
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| Goodbye |
[04 Oct 2004|09:59pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
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music |
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Rolling Stones - Paint It Black (~see my heart is black) |
] |
Today at Outback steakhouse a song on their resturant radio was "this one's for the girls"... I had to leave for a few minutes before I started crying.
I try desperately to distract myself from my feelings... I feel like I'm being shoved back into denial. That I've completely given up on everything. I put all my energy into some problem, like Phantasy Star Online, to avoid my depression. If I don't, well, this is what happens.
It's making me feel terrible to come here and write like this. It brings up a lot of terrible, bad feelings. So does doing anything. But I also intentionally make these journal entries as depressing as possible, choosing my wording carefully toward that end.
I wish nobody cared about me so I could die in pieces. I wish I didn't have my cat, so she would be sitting on a true owner's lap right now instead of mine. I wish my parents never had me, so they would be happy with their one daughter and lead happy lives without someone to drag along. I wish my internet friends had never met me, to have me tell my sad story and depress them. I could then just fade away, and have my cremated remains thrown away with the rest of the garbage.
I have a therapy appointment on Thursday followed an hour later by their physician there that does the hormones... They'd never approve me for them and the hormones would never do any good anyway but make my emotions worse.
I've decided to quit writing here... it feels too awful to. Bye everyone...and please, whatever you do, don't become me.
I don't know how long I'll be alive but I only hope it's not long. But it probably will be a long, torturous road there. Maybe 6 months as I exhaust all my options and friendships.
Crystalline: I would rather fail...that's what makes me so fucked up.
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| Another year |
[01 Oct 2004|04:08pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Top Gun - Miami Sound Machine - Hot Summer Nights |
] |
Another year has passed (my 23rd birthday was yesterday), and I'm further away from a tolerable life than last year. I can't stand my life. I don't think I'm going to be alive for another year if things don't get better. If not shorter. Hormones would not help me... they can't change the fact that I'll always be a man. Nor will any amount of surgery. I don't want to be around any longer like this.
I'm writing this as I sit here in lecture, faced with the fact that I am stuck as a man. I see the girls around me and realize that I will never be with them. I'm a cursed, defective soul in this world. Even the librarian giving the lecture depresses me. I'm trying very hard not to cry right here.
My cousin has another football game tonight... I doubt I'd avoid crying again. I wonder if I should bother going.
I have to keep doing programming things because I'd otherwise cower in the corner and detach myself completely from the world. I'm thinking of stopping AIM because talking to people makes me cry. So does posting here... I should stop this too.
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| Family meeting |
[25 Sep 2004|05:40pm] |
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mood |
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crying |
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music |
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Kimberly Locke - 8th World Wonder |
] |
I'm in Bakersfield for my grandfather's 80th birthday today (my own 23rd is on Thursday)... About 20 of us are meeting here for it.
I'm crying now... I'm having to act like everything is fine in my life, even though I wish I were dead. I'm having to put up with stuff like "you're so handsome, the ladies must flock to you!"... And worst of all, I have to wear a nametag saying I'm a grandson and my old name.
My extended family is rather conservative, and would probably instantly not accept me if they knew what was going on with me. And yet I'm supposed to act nice to them.
I'm supposed to be outside eating with them right now, not writing this message. But I just need to be in the corner crying right now. I want to disappear.
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| Support group... |
[24 Sep 2004|11:01pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Solomon's Key 2 - World 5 |
] |
I'm writing this from my grandpa's house in Bakersfield about yesterday. See above for today...
I tried to go to my support group last night. I was at my college soon before it, so I figured I might as well go directly to the group. But before I could make it to the 5 (a freeway here), I started crying, so I went home and cried.
I haven't been able to be around them for several months now.
Melissa
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| I'm a pig |
[23 Sep 2004|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
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music |
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Breath of Fire 1 - Myria's Theme (go figure) |
] |
I can't control my eating. Today alone I went through 2 boxes of Wheat Thins. I'm regaining weight really fast, and my pants are starting to not fit. I hate myself. I don't know why I do this. I feel like I can't control it. I lost the power I had 2 years ago. My stomach is bulging again and it's irritating me how it sticks out like that. I notice and feel it constantly. If my chest would do that I wouldn't mind but not my stomach.
I saw my therapist again today... I still feel bad but nothing special happening... I doubt I'll ever get approved for hormones. I'm doomed.
School starts tomorrow. I really don't want to go. I know I'm going to cry seeing the firls there. I'm not mentally ready for school, and these are hard classes. I don't even know if I'll even be able to push myself to go.
Somehow I've felt okay for most of the day. Maybe Zyprexa but I doubt it. I feel bad now. I feel kinda weird, like somewhat dizzy but not really. It just feels strange.
Why am I destined to this life of hell? I feign happiness around my parents so they don't bother me, even when I'm dying inside. I intentionally don't go into chat rooms or TS websites anymore because it is too painful to do. I wish I could go to the support group tomorrow night, but I can't. I would just cry the whole time. They're my only friends, and I can't see them.
Please kill me...
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| Hiding in the corner |
[22 Sep 2004|09:34pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed with being alive |
] |
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music |
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none, hiding in the dark |
] |
I'm hiding in a dark corner, crying...
I saw my psychiatrist today. She put me on Zyprexa today. I doubt it'll help but we'll find out now won't we. She said she was thinking about putting me in a hospital because of my suicidal feelings. I don't want to go there. I would be locked up with nothing to do all day but think about my problems... I would cry the whole time and end up trying to kill myself while I'm there. But I'll be stopped. I'll want to die more than ever and not be able to. And what can a hospital do for me? Nothing...
Hopefully this Zyprexa has fatal side effects. But I don't have the courage to overdose on it.
I went to the supermarket today and forgot to wear my socks... My mom chastized me for trying to wear sandals to the supermarket with exposed painted toenails. I feel so sad that I have to hide myself. When I got there, seeing all the women there hurt me very deeply and I almost started crying right there in the store.
My current therapist as of August is very nice but ultimately isn't helping me... I just go there and cry the whole time. Why do I bother? Also, she and my psychiatrist are also very pretty, which really hurts my self-esteem a lot...
I'm losing my friends. Nobody wants to hear my whining. I can't go to chat rooms anymore because the people there depress me. Their lives are getting better while mine is going to hell. And they're all better off than me.
To everyone that tells me I have to work and try: I'm incapable of it. Putting effort into things is something I'm not capable of doing. My brain is defective. Our world is survival of the fittest, and I'm not fit to be part of this world, so I must not survive.
I'm fat and am gaining weight. I can't control my eating...
I'm going back to my corner now. If my parents truly loved me, they'd help me end my life.
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